Gap thinking vs Step thinking

My simple framework for kindness

Inspiration is a powerful force. It makes us think big and see what’s possible.

But it can also create a gap. A gap between us and all of those who seem so great. Between where we are, and the high bar that inspiration creates.

I call this gap thinking.

It infects the mind. Whatever we do, we compare with those who are smarter, have healthier relationships, more successful companies, host better parties, and so on. (Social media, and personal growth, actually make this worse: we see more potential.)

This creates frustration, until we realize: we created the gap. And we don’t need it.

Step thinking, unlike gap thinking, asks the simple question: how is what I’m doing a step forward from where I was? And from here, what’s the one next step I can take to continue to improve?

It’s simple and elegant, and you’ve surely heard something similar before.

But I’ve found it remarkably impactful when applied consistently to all areas of life.

Gap thinking in…

• Relationships: “My partner isn’t all that I want them to be. They should be more like me, and funnier/smarter/sexier/whatever.” Partner feels that when they improve, they’re not seen or celebrated. Takes the spark and spontaneity out of it.

• Parenting: “My kids aren’t very focused. They need to work harder.” Setting a very high bar, and being constantly disappointed and frustrated with lack of movement. Kids feel insufficient, build a sense of insecurity, and develop a fear of trying new things.

• Entrepreneurship: “The company isn’t good enough yet. We should’ve come further by now, had more revenue and a larger team.” Leads to impatience and frustration, irritable and burnt out founder, lack of meaning.

• Management: Feeling like the people we lead aren’t listening, aren’t doing it right, can never get it, need to be better. Frequent criticism.

• Sports and games: Gap thinking leads to too much focus on competition over joy. It becomes all about winning, and turns people into sore losers. “Not fun if you’re not the best.” Unobtainable goals. Playing from the head instead of heart.

Step thinking in…

• Relationships: “This week, we were finally able to talk about a really difficult topic that’s been bugging me for ages. Next, we’ll see if we can come to some decision about it.” We see progress, and realize that every small bit of self-improvement counts.

• Parenting: “What’s the one thing my children can learn based on where they’re currently at?” and “That was the first time ever that they did that. So glad they started!” Celebrating their effort and progress, however small.

• Entrepreneurship: “We just closed a major new customer. Hired a new leader for the marketing team. I learned how to be a better leader. We’ve got this. It’s only been two years since we started. We’ve learned so much. I like this.”

• Management: “You’ve really grown. I love how you stepped up and owned this project — that’s a first for you. Well done! To make it even better, I would also think about…”

• Sports and games: “We lost, but I scored my first reverse layup. I’ve never done that before. Wow!” Playing with intuition, curiosity, joy and openness. Beginner’s Mindset. Self-improvement not for the sake of reaching the big leagues, but to feel good about one’s progress.

So…

Gap thinking leads to frustration, tension, disapproval, criticism and insufficiency.

Step thinking builds on what already is, and leads to kindness, momentum and joy.

Pick wisely. 🙏 😉

Hope this helps!

Jon